Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Bible Services

Here's my first ever attempt at a screen play. Inspired by the earlier post on the "worst sermon ever."

[Scene 1: Small, store-front church; preacher railing on and on about the evils of something or other, saliva flying; citing crazy number theory as proof of his view, intermittently wiping brow with dingy hankerchief. *Camera work reminscent of a comedic, documentary-style like "The Office."]

Enter Man and Woman (abruptly), dressed Scully and Mulder-esque. They stand at the back of the boxy, utilitarian room (lined with cheap paneling) until the preacher stops to notice them.

Preacher: Can I help you?
Man: Are you Rev. Smoot?
Preacher: That's right.
Man: We're with Bible Services. (Flash badges) Is that your Bible there on the pulpit?
Preacher: You bet it is!
Man: I'm afraid the Bible is going to have to come with us.
(Gasps from the motley congregation.)
Preacher: Scuse me?
(Man walks forward briskly, reaches toward Bible. Preacher snatches it defiantly, his eyes wide.)
Man: We don't want any trouble, Rev. Smoot. Just let us take the Bible. It will be perfectly safe.
Preacher: What in tarnation are you doin'? This is MY Bible and ain't no one takin it nowhere!
(Scullyish woman approaches, displaying document.)
Woman: We have a warrant, Reverend. There have been reports of Bible abuse.
Preacher: Huh?
Man: Bible abuse. I'm sorry sir, but if you don't let the Bible come with us peacefully, the officers outside will place you under arrest, and you'll end up losing your Bible anyway.
Preacher: (mouth hanging open, slowly hands Bible to Man) W-w-what are you going to do with it?
Man: The Bible will go to a foster home until we can set a court date. It will be perfectly fine. Don't worry.
Woman: Do you have any other Bibles?
Preacher: In my study.
Woman: Please show me. All your Bibles will have to come with us.
(Woman and preacher exit)
Man: (turning to congregation) I'm very sorry for the interruption ladies and gentlemen. Please continue your worship. Your preacher will need to fill out some paperwork while we process the Bibles, but I'm sure he'd want you to carry on. Have a nice day.
(Man walks down the isle, exits.)
(Congregation sits in silence, looking around at each other. Cut to commercial.)

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Blogger Brent said...

I officially call dibs on playing the Mulder-ish guy if you ever decide to actually film that! :)

9:43 PM  
Blogger Haley said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

4:55 PM  
Blogger Joel said...

I'd like to be the preacher, because I want to say, "pisseth" out loud...and do so and not be lisping.

7:44 PM  
Blogger Chris said...

Okay, so for the Scully-ish woman, I'm thinking, hmmm, Angelina Jolie?

9:14 PM  
Blogger Mike Austin said...

I would have guessed that Brent would want to be Scully.

5:45 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

Commentors will kindly refrain from insulting other commentors.

7:39 PM  
Blogger Chris said...

I, however, reserve the right to insult anyone.

7:40 PM  
Blogger Joel said...

Pisseth off.

6:24 PM  
Blogger Mike Austin said...

I was only making an observation about Brent, rather than insulting him. If it's true, is it still an insult?

8:54 AM  

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